Grief and Hardship

Everyone goes through some kind of grief and hardship at some point in their life.  Unfortunately this is just part of things.  The grief and hardship that my husband and I have been through though, was nothing that either of us ever expected.  We married in 2005 and knew that things would not be easy because of a previous relationship.  But we had each other so we knew that we could get through anything if we loved each other enough.  Let me tell you, it’s our love that has brought us through every nightmare we have been through.

For the first 11 years of our marriage it was one tragedy after another caused by another person.  I won’t go into any details because it’s not something that Mike and I want the entire world to know.  But what I will say is that from 2005 to 2011 we had our fair share of awfulness to get through.  Than in 2012 was when things escalated!  We had one DCS investigation after another because of this person and bills that almost caused us to lose everything that we had worked so have to build.  All because one person wanted to destroy my family.  It wasn’t until January of 2016, yes 4 years later, that we got any kind of help.  But our troubles were still definitely not over.  The person that had cost us so much had finally been “taken care of” so to speak, but than tragedy hit with my dad.  After having a severe back surgery in November of 2015 he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease.  My world that was already more than crumbling around me just got worse.  During that time we also lost Mike’s grandpa, a man that was more than a grandpa to him.  Over the course of the next few months things progressed quickly with my dad.  By the summer of 2016 I knew he was not going to be with us much longer.  So myself, along with my mom, my brother and his family, were working hard to care of my dad and making sure he received everything he needed.  He lost his battle with Parkinson’s on August 20th, 2016.  Life without him is still hard everyday and seems impossible some days.  Shortly after my dad’s passing I was hospitalized for severe dehydration and was underweight.  After “recovering” from that and being released from the hospital, things took yet another turn for the worse.  My granny, who had been put in the hospital not long after we buried my dad, was losing her life as well.  We lost her September 18, 2016!

During the period of 2015 to present time, I battle with an eating disorder brought on by many different things.  For starters, I have an autoimmune disease that limits what I can eat and how much I can eat significantly.  Than I battled alcohol from the end of 2017 to the end of this year (2018).  While I definitely would not say I’m an alcoholic, I did use it as a way to escape the pain I was feeling.  But one thing I’ve learned, you can’t hide from pain forever.  No matter how much you try to cover it up, it’s still there, waiting for you to face it.  After everything that I’ve been through, I’m just now ready to face the pain that I have suffered for so long.  It’s not easy, I don’t consider myself strong, but I choose to fight for another day.  Most of the family that I had decided that I wasn’t a person that they wanted to be in their family, that’s fine.  I have my husband, my mom, my brother and his family, and my in-laws!  One way that I’m working on being my best self is through exercise.  When used for the right reasons, it can be a great tool!  I may always struggle with an eating disorder, but I know that I can as long as I’m conscious of it and work hard, it won’t defeat me!!

The reason I’m writing this blog post is because I know there are others out there that are struggling.  If you’re anything like me though, you don’t think there’s anyone out there that can relate or understand.  Trust me though, there are!  Today and everyday you have a choice.  You can choose to fight hard for yourself or you can let the others that are working hard to beat you, win.  Choose wisely!!!!  You’re worth it!!!

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